When I wake...
*** Note: This post may not be understood by anyone but just let me vent ***
Every morning I wake up, there's nothing but anger and frustrations. There's no way for me to vent because no one understands how I feel. No one. Which is sad. Really sad. I'm sick of feeling this way.
I'm sick of waking up, looking in the mirror, and all I can see is this face which is frowning back at me... heavily burdened, angered and frustrated at my current position. Why am I on this earth for? What is it that i'm supposed to do in my lifetime that God granted me life? What is MY meaning?
I can't wait to finish my degree. In light of everything that has happened, it's a good question whether I will this year or not. I'm only hanging on by the thread... I'm almost at the point of giving up. I'm losing sight at the ultimate goal.
This degree isn't for me. It never was for me. It was me, trying to shut everyone up. Trying to please everyone to make up for the failures, the lost pride, THEIR frustrations and anger. To help THEM feel better about themselves.
In the end, do they even deserve it? Do they even deserve my effort to make them happy? They add to my stress... they neglect my feelings and emotions. So, what the hell?! Do they even deserve all my struggles?
I long for the day that I can finally tell them to shove it up their asses. For them to finally know that what they have done is unfair and absolutely selfish! That the pressure they have placed on me is not right. A person can only be that, just A person... 1... Only ONE... Yet, they don't even realise what they're doing.
I want my freedom. I want to be free from all this bullsh*t. It's all so close yet so far. Can I hang on? Or is it all just too late? Will I have lost yet another year because of their inconsiderate behaviour? Or is it all just my fault? I don't think i'll ever fully forgive them. The grudges I hold are so deep rooted that it may never be possible to remove. So what does all this mean?
Everything we go through in life changes us just that little bit. Every change, be it good or bad, affects our future somehow. The choices we make today affect our tomorrow.
So where does that leave me?
Every morning I wake up, there's nothing but anger and frustrations. There's no way for me to vent because no one understands how I feel. No one. Which is sad. Really sad. I'm sick of feeling this way.
I'm sick of waking up, looking in the mirror, and all I can see is this face which is frowning back at me... heavily burdened, angered and frustrated at my current position. Why am I on this earth for? What is it that i'm supposed to do in my lifetime that God granted me life? What is MY meaning?
I can't wait to finish my degree. In light of everything that has happened, it's a good question whether I will this year or not. I'm only hanging on by the thread... I'm almost at the point of giving up. I'm losing sight at the ultimate goal.
This degree isn't for me. It never was for me. It was me, trying to shut everyone up. Trying to please everyone to make up for the failures, the lost pride, THEIR frustrations and anger. To help THEM feel better about themselves.
In the end, do they even deserve it? Do they even deserve my effort to make them happy? They add to my stress... they neglect my feelings and emotions. So, what the hell?! Do they even deserve all my struggles?
I long for the day that I can finally tell them to shove it up their asses. For them to finally know that what they have done is unfair and absolutely selfish! That the pressure they have placed on me is not right. A person can only be that, just A person... 1... Only ONE... Yet, they don't even realise what they're doing.
I want my freedom. I want to be free from all this bullsh*t. It's all so close yet so far. Can I hang on? Or is it all just too late? Will I have lost yet another year because of their inconsiderate behaviour? Or is it all just my fault? I don't think i'll ever fully forgive them. The grudges I hold are so deep rooted that it may never be possible to remove. So what does all this mean?
Everything we go through in life changes us just that little bit. Every change, be it good or bad, affects our future somehow. The choices we make today affect our tomorrow.
So where does that leave me?
posted by Mabel Tan at
12:36:00 pm
8 Comments:
mabel, ya aight?
life can be tough sometimes, and sucks some other times. I won't pretend i know what's going on, but toughen up, and i am sure there would be better days ahead.
nicely written vent nevertheless.
tomato
By
Anonymous, at Thursday, October 19, 2006 7:17:00 pm
If you do something, do it for the right reasons. Satisfy yourself before you even begin to think about satisfying others. Why does what other people say about you matter so much that you end up living the way other people want you to live? Stand up for yourself, or else, you'll never bloom. There's no meaning to a flower unless it blooms.
Since you have already set out on this path, pulling back just proves that you are a coward. I thought you were strong and tough. I guess I was wrong ...
By
bloo, at Thursday, October 19, 2006 9:48:00 pm
Tomato: Thanks ya~ Always nice to hear words of encouragement. :) Take care.
By
Mabel Tan, at Saturday, October 21, 2006 4:36:00 pm
Bloo: Hmmm... Life ain't that easy ya? Life just gets us down sometimes... I guess this is one of those times. :) Good luck for exams!
By
Mabel Tan, at Saturday, October 21, 2006 4:39:00 pm
Sure, life is never easy. Only a fool thinks life is easy. You will never advance in life if you let it get you down so often.
My feelings and yours are dangerously similar. I said it before and I will say it again: Stand up. No sense in lying down and letting life trample you over.
By
bloo, at Saturday, October 21, 2006 11:13:00 pm
Bloo: Thanks Bloo. I'll try yea? We'll see how it goes.
By
Mabel Tan, at Sunday, October 22, 2006 2:06:00 am
Whether or not we are cajoled/pressured/cheated into making our life decisions, once we make those choices, we claim them as our own. We can blame and vent as much as we like, but at the end of the day, we were the ones to step up to make that [detrimental] final decision. No doubt a few moments of reminiscing is inevitable; but constantly drowning yourself in the past will only suffocate your future. Make the most of what you have now. It’s too late to back track. When life throws lemons at you, make lemonade.
By
Anonymous, at Monday, October 23, 2006 9:30:00 pm
Sophia: Thanks girl~ Can always count on you to put everything back into perspective eh? Hehe!! Take care and good luck for exams! :)
By
Mabel Tan, at Tuesday, October 24, 2006 6:07:00 pm
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